Lighting the Path

 Christmas has usually been a happy holiday for me. As a kid, we siblings would come down the stairway early in the morning to discover what had appeared under the tree and in our stockings. It was exciting and a sweet tradition. And singing Christmas carols has always been a joyful group experience for me. This has seemed the season of giving, of honoring each other, of love. But I found myself unexpectedly pulling away from Christmas this year. I have been so dismayed by all the terrible things people in our country have been doing in the name of Christianity recently. No, I do not want to kill people in the name of Christianity, or deport them, or arrest them, or degrade them. I want to have no part in this cruelty! Of course, I do realize that politicians will use whatever they can to dupe followers into their own agenda. So using our tendency  toward intolerance and fear of people not like us, and making it into a Christian value, can work in the short term to push a political agenda. But the long-term effect of this attitude is a culture that is divided, full of rejection for anyone not in the accepted circle: black or brown people, people who speak a different language, people who have a different religion, all women, people whose sexuality is not the standard brand. In a way, it seems ridiculous to have to defend all these varied people, for isn't that what America was born to protect and value, all people? In the beginning of the US, almost all of us came from different countries, spoke different languages, were of different religions. This was supposed to be a country where all were accepted and appreciated. All were equal. It was never perfect, and it took awhile for women to be included in that "all". But our intent was to be inclusive and supportive of our citizens.

With these frustrated feelings about how politicians were skewering our main religion with unappetizing beliefs, I steered away from many Christmas activities this year, and found I was holding inside a lot of anger about how this holiday and this religion could be turned into a vehicle of hatred and intolerance. I started to have doubts about religions in general. What starts as an inspiring theology seems to be so easily polluted by humankind's foibles and downfalls. I was left feeling sort of hollow, an emptiness inside during the time when we were supposed to be celebrating love and light. I couldn't even enjoy playing and singing the holiday songs we were doing in our ukelele group. I finally realized that I needed to sit down and give this phenomenon some serious thought. I needed to look below the surface. Surely corrupt politicians shouldn't be able to shut off my deep feelings of spirituality. What was going on here?

 I took a seat, propped up on my bed, with the light box shining to my side and my kitties snuggled at my feet. This is where I journal when I'm figuring out who I am and what I think about my world. I had my notebook ready, but I was still feeling angry and hollow. How was I supposed to get out of this shut-down time?  Forget about the politicians. How had I felt before, when I still had a connection to a deep spiritual life? Think! And that did it: I started remembering experiences I'd had out in nature, where I felt connected to everything, and suddenly it was like my sullen mood opened up, the sun shone, and I realized that it was all still there, the deep spiritual connection that is there to all of us, if we just let it in.

And then I realized that this is what "my" religion, Quakerism, is all about: connecting to your own inner Light, finding your source inside. I don't need to wait for some religious authority to tell me what to believe, what to do, how to think. Those answers lay inside me, and they connect me to the whole web of life and beyond. Going inside to find truth leads us to the invisible thread that ties us all together. 

That enlightening session has pulled me out of the anger and emptiness. And it has reminded me that we all have ways of surviving when the going gets rough. These are rough days in our country and in our world. And we could just hide under the blankets and swear at everyone. But that's not much fun. And with the reminder each time I go to my Quaker Meeting that I can look inside to find my own inner light, and know that I am surrounded by other folks doing the same, my path seems better lit, the way less lonely.